oddsandends | 92nd ♫ | the quietness, profoundly consuming silence

Assuming this isn't an excuse to see what sort of swimsuit I wear, [ gottem ] do you really think they'd be any more likely to listen to me?

[ Says Ryoko from her advanced age of sixteen.

Then again... given how high risk everything is around here, even something as simple as getting a little better at swimming might not be a bad idea. And it's something to pass the time with, at least. ]

... Maybe once my bandages are off, I'll think about it.

For real?

[That really, truly, seriously seems to cheer him up some. Girl in swimsuit, even if it's just the idea of it. Teenage boys. You gotta love 'em.

Or maybe it's just that Shinonome's being nice to him, entertaining his ideas, speaking to and answering him like he's really there and not some annoying, transient event to get through that stokes some of that brightness back up in his face. Her kindness tastes fizzy on his tongue, like a swig of soda.]

Heheh, finally! Something to look forward to around here. Now there's some motivation to get through this.

[ Her eyebrows raise a little, but she doesn't look displeased at least. ]

Really? If that's all it takes to cheer you up, I would've told you sooner.

[ Not that it should really matter to her whether Amiguchi's in good cheer or not – sure, maybe it makes things better for the group as a whole if they're all motivated and they've got good morale, but that's it. Even so, it makes her heart feel just a little lighter to see that familiar boyish grin on Amiguchi's face. After all– ]

Being so gloomy doesn't really suit you, somehow.

…Huh.

[That’s the sort of thing he usually finds himself saying to girls. When he’s rewarded with a smile after offering a juice box on a bad day, or for lending his umbrella in a sudden shower—watching a girl’s face transform from upset into sweet brightness never fails to pick him up. It’s never about him, it’s about the attention he gives them, but that never stops him from offering it. He just—it really brightens the whole world, a cute girl’s smile. If all he has to do to bring it out is notice someone…

Well. He’s just never experienced it from this side, and now it feels like Senpai’s giving him that kind of notice. Feeling just a bit bashful, he ruffles his hair and keeps smiling.]

That so? Didn’t realize I was bringing down the mood. Sorry about that.

I don't know if I'd go that far. I think it'd be pretty hard to bring the mood down any more than it already is.

[ They'll all pick themselves up by the end of the night, if not sooner – that's how it always goes, after all. It's just the process of licking their wounds that drags things out.

Standing here with Amiguchi though, Ryoko thinks she'll be able to manage. ]

You just seem more like yourself when you're on good spirits, that's all.

[Oh, girl, u don't kno what Pandora's Box you're opening here.]

So you like my usual self, huh, Senpai?

[Grin, grin, grin.]

[ oh she really kinda did that to herself, huh ]

Let's not get too carried away. But if you really must know, yes, I prefer it to seeing you down in the dumps.

[ Coming from Ryoko, that's a pretty glowing compliment... ]

[Maybe he knows that, because her words broaden rather than discourage his smile until it takes over his whole face.]

Heh, then you're on the right track, 'cause that's exactly the kind of thing it cheers me up to hear. I'm easy, you know?

[ It's almost a little embarrassing, just how earnest he is at every turn. Ryoko doesn't think she'll ever be able to match him – nor would she want to – but it makes talking to him... easier, she supposes. She never has to guess at his intentions and she imagines it might be easy if she ever had to.

In its own way, that's reassuring. Not that she'd ever tell Amiguchi, of course. That's our Ryoko! ]

Really? I think you could afford to raise your standards a little more than that.

Higher than a cute girl telling me she likes me the way I am? You're kidding, right? No guy could ask for more than that.

[He's joking AND he means it. Get you a man who can do both.]

[ Ryoko opens her mouth to give some manner of retort only to find that all of her usual barbs have dried up on her tongue. She considers herself immune to Amiguchi's usual brand of sweet-talking but for some reason, tonight of all nights, she finds she's not quite able to brush it off as easily as she normally does. It takes her a second longer than she'd have liked to recover. ]

You have an answer for everything, don't you?

[ As Ryoko so clearly does not. If the tint of colour high in her cheeks happens to look at all like a blush, then you're seeing things. ]

[That's his Shinonome-senpai, exasperated as usual with his airy nonsense. Man, he loves that about her. She doesn't get caught on his looks or reputation. Instead, she tells him what she really thinks. Doki doki.]

Nah, only what's obvious. Who doesn't want Senpai to notice them?

[ Ryoko stares him down for a moment then she shakes her head and breathes out hard through her nose, something between a sigh and a begrudging laugh. ]

Even in a place like this? [ Then she shrugs. ] I suppose I should be looking out for my kouhai when things are so dangerous.

[ She says it as a joke, but the words make something thunk into place somewhere in the bottom of her heart. Amiguchi... probably needs someone to look out for him here just as much as the rest of them do, doesn't he?

He puts on that breezy smile so easily, that sometimes Ryoko forgets.

She looks at him for a long moment, the impressions of a wry smile just barely colouring her expression before her face shows an emotion more complicated and a little harder to read. ]

I... [ She really doesn't know how she wants to say it. But she wants to make sure Amiguchi knows– ] I will be looking out for you, you know. So... don't try and take everything on by yourself. It's a recipe for disaster.

[Shu blinks. The longer she stared at him, the odder he felt. He would have something just to ease them back into the flow of conversation, but the way Shinonome-senpai was looking at him, the thought just starting to form on the tip of her tongue—it would’ve been like breaking a spell. Like interrupting something rare, and delicate.

Shinonome rarely looks at anyone. It’s like there’s this haze about her, around her, an almost visible headache condensing around her like a cloud of hurt and broken memory. She clings to her one mission despite it, and anything that disturbs that equilibrium is an annoyance at best—dangerous to her at worst. And she’s looking at Shu.

And he realizes with a swallow that what feels odd, what feels unfamiliar, is that he’s not used to being seen. He drops his eyes, releasing the sensation in a chuckle, and runs his fingers through his hair.]

Taking it all on myself…? Heh, that’s not what it seems like I’m doing, is it? After that whole speech I gave you…

[Under Shinonome’s full, open-eyed attention, Shu feels suddenly all wrong-footed. Awkward. And—young, and blundering, and on fire with need. The need for someone to give a shit about him. About Shu, not his money or his popularity or the adventure promised in his smile. He shakes his head and tries another laugh, lifting his face.]

I’m all right, you know? No need to add me to your list of worries.

[It’s still there in his eyes, the answer to her question: yes. Yes, he needs someone to look, perhaps not even after him, but at him, and to see him for what he is.

He’s needed that for a while.]

[ It feels strange to be the one to have knocked Amiguchi off balance for once. She waits to see if any of his usual airy confidence will spring back and when it doesn't, she feels a strange sense of guilt and relief. If Amiguchi's coping by putting on that face for everyone else, then it's the smart thing to do to just... let him cope, however he needs to do it. Ryoko shouldn't interrupt that.

But Ryoko doesn't want that. She doesn't even know why. She just knows that she gets a hot, angry ball of feelings in her throat when she thinks of it. Maybe it's just because he knows so many of her secrets now, but...

She doesn't like the idea of Amiguchi keeping a part of himself from her. ]

It's too late in the day for you to say that. Of course I'm going to be worrying about you in a place like this, whatever you try and say. So just... rely on me a little. Tell me what you're thinking and feeling. We need to be able to do that if we're going to watch out for each other.

[There it is again. Shinonome-senpai uses Shu’s own words against him, and she isn’t just noticing him. She’s remembering him. She’s holding onto a moment that became an impression, something important between them, and how can he parry that?

Shu looks down, finds the empty soda can still in his hands, and rubs the pad of his thumb along the bottom rim. Eventually, he exhales.]

…I’m thinking that I failed them. Sonozaki-san and Shinjo-san. Not just ‘cause we couldn’t save them, but… I didn’t even see that something was wrong.

[He looks up, smile gone, solemn and honest.]

At school—man, this is gonna sound stupid, but listen. [His gaze drops once again to the soda can.] At school, I’m supposed to be this playboy, you know? Even the profiles here say it. I’m supposed to notice everything when it comes to girls. But I didn’t. I was… I was more worried about you.

[He stops playing with the can, finally, and just holds it motionless between his hands.]

And I don’t regret that. My priorities wouldn’t change. It’s just that… I could’ve been paying more attention.

[ Ryoko doesn't say anything at first. She just listens with that quiet, thoughtful expression on her face. It's a little tempting to jump in with some platitude like "it's not your fault" or "don't blame yourself", but she knows it won't help. Feelings have nothing to do with the cold logical facts of any situation, especially not like this, where emotions run exhaustingly high on what feels like a daily basis.

No wonder he seems so worn down. ]

I... [ Again, the words come slow, the care taken in choosing them evident. ] I understand what you mean. When it comes to Shinjo-san and Sonozaki-san. It felt like a shock in the courtroom to see her talking like that but... now I'm wondering if we'd talked more, or maybe if I'd gotten to know her even a little... there might have been a way to see this coming. And stop it.

[ She's spent so much of their time here floating morosely from day to day, mistrusting the others, refusing to share what little she remembers for fear it could used against her. Weaponized.

Now, for the first time, she's starting to wonder if that was a mistake. ]

But... that isn't a burden any one person should be taking on themselves. Even you, Amiguchi.

[For some reason—even he can’t say why—that gets Shu to laugh again, softly.]

Even me, huh?

[Back at Sakura High, he’d know what that means. Even Amiguchi Shu, smart and athletic and popular, can’t be asked to bear the impossible. It’d be a statement that comes from admiration breaking down, an attempt to bring him safely across the distance they put him at themselves. And he’d welcome it eagerly, gratefully, wryly.

When Shinonome-senpai watches him like she’s seeing him for the first time and selects her words with care, it’s like none of that old context exists—none of that old distance. He’s not sure what she means when she says “even you.” Even him, the flirty skirt-chaser? Even him, the busybody? Even him, whose only way to connect with almost anyone has been to dive off his pedestal to their rescue?

Shu brings one hand up to fiddle with his headphones and pushes a tired breath through his nose.]

I know, you’re right. Looks like I should pay more attention to what I’m doing myself. But, you know… what else can I do?

[There has to be something. He can’t do nothing.]

[ What else can he do, huh? It's a good question.

Ryoko just wishes she had an equally good answer.

She lets her gaze drift away from him, out across all the other people gathered in here, all of them trying to make sense of things in their own way. She wonders if any of them would have a better answer for Amiguchi, if he'd posed the same question to them.

But he's not asking them. He's asking Ryoko. And she... has to give him something. ]

... Surviving's a good start. [ It comes out a little more flippant than she means it so she glances back at him, her expression carefully level so he knows she's serious. ] I know it sounds obvious. But... taking care of yourself in a situation like this is the most important thing. It affects everything else you might even try and do. So... focus on yourself for once. It's alright if you let everything else come second to that.

...Shinonome-senpai...

[Oddly, hearing this almost hurts. Shu has no idea why nor the vocabulary to express the notion if he did. Shinonome's steady attention is what softens the sting, keeps it from twisting too far in his chest.

She doesn't know, has no way to understand, how lonely and worthless an enterprise taking care of himself has been, the last few long years. How, for all the people around him, the wealth and the privilege, how easy it would be to look after him--he's the only one who bothers. She says it like he's always helping others and needs a break, when really, helping is Shu's break from the emptiness he calls home.

There's no way she can see any of that. But Shinonome is looking at him, and he thinks--she could. She could, if she cared to. She can, if she cares.

He swallows.]

I'll try to keep that in mind. But if I forget... can I count on you, Senpai, to remind me?

[ Ryoko holds his gaze for a long moment, unsure herself of what response she's going to give. So it's a surprise to her as much as it is anyone else when she ducks her head for a moment and breathes out a laugh, hard and quick. It's not exactly funny but something about the idea of Amiguchi asking for her to look out for him like that tickles something warm in her heart. ]

Mm. If I'm the senpai here, then that's the least I can do for you. If I see you taking too much on, I'll come and interfere.

[ Her lips twitch up into a faint smile. ]

When I say it like that, it sounds like I'm doing your job...

[Senpai is smiling at him. The incredible sight distracts him enough from his own vulnerability to let another half-laugh out himself.]

My job? So it's my job to be an interfering busybody?

I didn't want to just come out and say it like that, but...

[ SHE'S NOT... DISAGREEING... ]

[Well, she's not wrong.]

So what're my wages?

What? You're not just volunteering your time and your busybodying out of the goodness of your heart?

[ Ah, we're back to that wry little half-smile again. ]

(no subject)

nma8076 - 2021-12-03 21:23 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

nmc0204 - 2021-12-05 14:10 (UTC) - Expand